Goose Hunt
by EternalEmbrace
Summary: In order to get a pair of sold out tickets, Naruto and Kiba agree to clean Shikamaru's bedroom. What will they find lurking in the depths? The task might be more than they can handle. No Pairings.


This story was inspired by the first Tool tour this past year. You know, the one that sold out in literally twelve seconds. Oh yeah. Don't own Naruto. At least not in the real world.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.

Goose Hunt

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.

"Whaddya mean, no?" Naruto squealed indignantly, scuttling closer to the other boy than was physically comfortable.

"I said, I couldn't get them. You deaf?" Kiba crossed his arms gingerly. He knew the news wouldn't break easy. After all, they'd been waitng four whole months for the ticket release, sweating and gritting their teeth the whole way through.

The blonde boy clenched his eyes shut. "Ouuu! How can you be so calm about it! SHIT! Sasuke got a ticket! How in the HELL could this happen?"

"I dunno, okay! Stop chewing my leg off, dammit!" Kiba turned away from his companion, arms crossed tightly. "They sold out really really fast!"

By this time Naruto had managed (miraculously) to calm down a bit, crossing his arms thoughtfully, and squinting hard, his lip pulling downward as if he were trying to catch a deep thought... one that obviously wasn't there. Or shouldn't have strained him so hard, at least. "Then... there's only one thing we can do. We have to find somebody that will sell their tickets to us."

Akamaru yapped twice from his master's shoulder.

"He's right, you know! Nobody's gonna sell us their tickets!" Kiba put his hands to his hips irritably. "At least not for a price we can afford."

But Naruto was already gone. "I'm gonna call everyone I know! First there's Sakura, then Shikamaru, then..."

A twitch formed above Kiba's eye. "Oi, dumbass! You listening to me?"

"...then Hinata, even though I know she won't have any, then--"

Obviously, that was a big resounding no.

Three hours and seven painstaking phone calls later, our heroes' hands were still empty, though Naruto had gained some startling insight on the horrors of female phone conversation and Kiba had developed a very serious migraine headache.

Akamaru, on the other hand, was outside the stuffy aparment, contently chasing butterflies. Both boys were quite envious. "Hey, Naruto, I'm sick of the freakin' phone shit."

"Well... dammit! I dunno what to do!"

"What are you guys talking about?" A male voiced piped from behind them.

Naruto's eyes went wide and a finger was thrust sharply in the intruder's direction. "Whaaaa! Shikamaru! What are you doing in my house!"

The Nara closed his eyes and started rubbing a temple irritibly. "Troublesome..." he mumbled. "You know, it would help if you closed your doors, Naruto."

"That's called breaking and entering!" Naruto continued to shout, completely ignoring his friend's prior statement.

"It's not-oh, nevermind." Shikamaru let out a deep sigh. This was not a battle he could win. "Ino was telling me you guys were looking for some tickets or something." The aura of the two boys sitting atop the half made bed suddenly brightened. Shikamaru sweatdropped. They kinda looked like prairie dogs, popping up like that. He groaned, dryly. "Well, my dad bought me a pair of tickets, and I'd really like to go, but I can't... so I guess... I can give them to you."

"Really!?" Naruto began radiating. Kiba and Shikamaru both swore they were about to go blind. "You're not even going to make us pay for them? Oh man, I love you!"

Shikamaru's breath caught, irritably. "Yeah, well, kind of."

"Whaddya mean, kind of?" Oh yes, Kiba was definitely smelling a catch.

Another sigh. "Well... I have a service for you guys to perform... if you get it done, you can have the tickets, free of charge."

"We'll do anything!" Naruto, jumping on the first sign of opportunity, a ready predator on the pounce.

Shikamaru looked away nervously. "You might regret saying that."

"Oh...my...god."

Eyes wide in horror, a cold sweat running down the back of his neck. Naruto was simply stupefied. He had never seen anything this...this horrible. Flicking his eyes from side to side, he surveyed the damage, damage that not even he himself, the living disaster could have done. This was simply... the messiest bedroom he had ever seen.

A layer of clothes, dirty or clean, he couldn't tell, coated the entire room, leaving barely a speck of floor or bed. Ninja weapons were haphazardly tossed here and there, creating a minefield of the base layer of clothes. There were books spotting the top of the heap, wadded pieces of paper, some empty cups and bowls, discarded scrolls and mounds and mounds of-well, he couldn't really tell what most of it was. In fact, he couldn't even tell if there was any furniture in the room, it was so bad. Only one thing was set up properly, and that was a single shogi board, sitting right where, he assumed, the nightstand must be. He briefly thought back to his own house and... nope. Not nearly like this. The only surprising difference, though, was the fact that the horrendously messy room lacked the weird funk that was always lingering around Naruto's house. He curiously wondered why.

"Ano sa, ano sa..." Naruto began, prodding his companions like a lost puppy. "Why doesn't your room smell weird like mine does?"

The other two ninja looked at their friend with awestruck expressions. "Naruto... that's because your room freakin' stinks." Kiba shook his head. "There's just nothing DEAD in Shikamaru's room."

"Hee-ey!" The boy bared his teeth, defensively. "There's nothing dead in my house!"

"Naruto, HOW long has that milk been sitting in your fridge?" Shikamaru added, looking just a little grossed out.

Naruto squinted hard and tried to concentrate.

"Probably long enough to walk out of the fridge on its own and find a nice secluded corner to go _die_ in." Kiba finished, very matter of factly.

"Screw you guys! I said there's nothing dead in my freakin' house!" On second thought... he had never really checked.

"Whatever." Shikamaru shrugged giving his best apathetic curl of the mouth. "Well you guys might want to get going. It'll probably take a while and I don't want you guys still hanging around when I decide I feel like sleeping."

o.o.o..o.o.o.o.o.

The instant the Nara boy left the room, Kiba plopped down on what was _apparently _the bed and started tossing pieces of clothing until he found a clear spot. It somehow amazed him that Shikamaru had so many clothes. He'd never really seen him wear more than half a dozen things. Well, it's not like he was around him all the time, so he just let the thought pass.

"Oi, Kiba... do you think Shikamaru has any porn?"

Now, he hadn't expected that, either. "Gah. Probably not. He probably hides shogi magazines under his bed and masturbates to that."

"That's weird." Naruto looked down and shifted his lip. "I thought everybody had something."

"Like that Victoria's Secret catalouge under your bed?" Kiba laughed, shooting his friend a toothy grin. "Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think that counts as porn."

Naruto shot up defensively, fisting both hands. "Hey at least it's something! Ero-sennin won't let me have any of his girly magazines!"

Kiba shrugged. "Well, you know, if he does have some, it's bound to be laying around here somewhere." Kiba turned and began scrounging through the mess until he could stick a hand between the mattresses, where he quickly found something paper crunched up under his invading fingers. "Something like this? Haha! It's always under the bed!" He yanked the magazine out, roughly, flattening the pages with his free hand. "I knew Shikamaru was a-"

"Shogi Player's Monthly!" Naruto screamed, balling his hands in his hair. "Oh my god you can't be serious!"

"Heh, serious! I bet there isn't even any hot chicks in here." Kiba flipped through a few pages, listlessly. "Man, all this is is diagrams and-" Kiba looked down as he felt something hit his foot. "What the?" But the object was instantly gone, scraped up by a snickering blonde who had scuttled halfway across the room. A surge of neurons finally pumped the realization into Kiba's head and he shook himself, leaping over the 'bed' toward his friend. "Hey bitch! Share!"

"Holy shit... I didn't know you could do that." Naruto said calmly, as if studying the picture on the page.

"Couldn't do what?" Kiba pushed himself over the pile of clothes on Shikamaru's floor until he could catch a glimpse over his friend's shoulder. However, what he then saw was completely different from his expectations. "Oh-oh my god Naruto put that thing away!"

"Why?" The blonde said, smiling devilishly. "Because it's GAY porn? You know they say only guys who aren't secure in their sexuality get freaked out by stuff like this."

And why would NARUTO know that? Kiba was baffled. "Dude! I just don't want to see it!"

"I always knew you were a closet homo." Naruto said with a shrug. Kiba knew the boy was just teasing him, just messing with his mind, but his pride wouldn't take that for an answer. Kiba grit his teeth hard. Fine, if Naruto was going to be such an ass about it, he'd look at the damn magazine.

"Gimme that!" Kiba snapped, snatching the bent magazine from his friend. One look at the page Naruto had opened up to and Kiba could feel his cheeks burning. Holy crap. He was right after all... how could someone do that? He turned the book sideways to get a better look.

"Hey guys I forgot my-" The room stopped solid as the door opened.

Yes, caught in the act... of looking through one of your best friend's porn books which just happened to be of the homoerotic persuasion! Kiba thought he was going to die. This was worse than the time his mom had walked in on him masturbating... maybe not. Okay, it was close. But the icing on the cake was the fact that even though his eyes were locked on his friend, his hands wouldn't fold down either, like he'd been kage mane-ed on the spot. Well, he wasn't, but he still couldn't put the thing down. And right when he thought he'd been caught in the worst position in the history of positions another person began to emerge from the shadows...

"Hey, Shikamaru, what's the holdup?" Shikaku said, moving into the light cascading out of the cluttered room. His eyes quickly jumped from his son to his friends, did a double take...

And then he fainted. Instantly.

"You guys can't tell my mom!" Shikamaru said, his voice suddenly becoming pleading. And as shocked as the two boys in the room were about getting caught, the visage didn't escape them. Yes, Shikamaru looked absolutely horrified.

And right then a lightbulb popped on over Naruto's head. A rare thing, that. "Okay, Shika-kun." He said in a demeaning tone. "You give us the tickets and we'll call it good." The evil little-Kiba knew the boy had a way of getting what he wanted, but jeez... this was plain wrong!

"Deal!" Shikamaru said, his posture straightening as he fished through his pockets for the two crumpled tickets. When he finally caught hold of them he held them out straight for the blonde to take. Naruto snatched his ticket up happily and began prancing, yes prancing. It was a miracle he didn't fall on his butt in the mess. Kiba took his own ticket a little more hesitantly. Because really, he had a conscience. He felt terrible about this.

Naruto finished his dance after a few moments and made a quick dash for the door, his arms flailing through the air as he hopped over Shikamaru's fallen father, who pretty much just lay there like a lump. Kiba let out a sigh.

"Hey, Shika-"

"Don't worry about it." Shikamaru deadpanned, lying stomach down on his bed. "It's my fault for keeping it around. It was my present from Ino for my birthday." He pulled the book gently from between Kiba's fingers and tossed it across the room... like he probably did with everything else to get his room looking that way.

"So, what? Is it like a gag gift or..."

"Nah." Shikamaru rolled over. "She was like 'everyone has to have something'. Not like I need troublesome porn anyway. Women. Who needs 'em?" Well that answered that question. Kiba suddenly felt very awkward. "Right, Kiba?"

"WhaddyameanwhoneedsemIlovegirls!"

Shikamaru smiled, folding his arms behind his head and closing his eyes. "I always knew you were a closet homo."

And Kiba's jaw hit the floor.

p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p

A/N: okay... and that's that. confused? hope so. this is my first completed naruto one shot. please review! I'll love you forever!


End file.
